What have I become?

Animal I Have Become lyrics

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

~Three Days Grace, "Animal I have Become"~


So yes, this somewhat answers the question in the title, not EXACTLY explain me, but close enough. It is like I am two people, the "Animal" and the real me, it is a battle now, almost a legitimate Schizophrenia. It is quite scary, and it is hurting me and hurting others.

It is because of the built up emotion. Each day, it gets worse and worse. Who knows what the end result is? Will I be the same? It's a scary thought. Again, this is just a VAGUE VERY VAGUE idea of how I feel, like an animalNow, again again, this song is VERY inaccurate of how I am...but the theme is almost the same. I still control myself. ;-P Though I slip often. :-( ...that is all.



My prayer...and hope.

I'm coming home for a bit.

Like the title says,

I am coming home for a day-ish. I will be home on Saturday afternoon, and leave again Sunday evening...So...yeah. I just thought I would tell people that.

(I don't have one yet...that sounds good anyway)..

THIS IS A VENTING POST ----- PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT THE REAL BRAD. IT JUST A WAY TO VENT. SO PLEASE JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE POETRY...THAT ISN'T THAT GOOD...>_>

Out of sight, Out of mind
that is the quote that's said
I try to shake that horrid thought,
but it remains within my head

Our companionship meant everything
"Dear friend", the words once spoken
I saw it as a special bonding
Now naught but a tarnished token

I try to reach out,
to grasp your words unsaid
I keep calling out but
You probably think I'm dead

Have we not traveled the path
The one of pain and trust?
YES, but the memory seems to have become
naught more than a pile of dust.

So, go back to that time,
and remember the time once forgotten
perhaps there is a chance
that from time can not be boughten.

~Me~

ANother thing I made up...it goes to the music of "Honor an Glory"

He laid besides his buddies,
watching clouds passing by.
It was his last day as a Civi.
There were tears in his eyes.

And later they said good-bye
a milestone in time.
His friends said
"Friend we will stay in touch."
but they never did...

Fallen, and forgotten
He once was so happy,
he stood so tall,
and forever, he will remember
his friends that he never...
will see no more.

He left behind his dear friends
and the towns where they had played
for the mountains of Vermont,
and the hot and humid days.

He hopes to find them all there
and hopes that they will be the same.
Some will turn their backs,
Some with open arms,
and some that just won't care.

Fallen, and forgotten
He once was so happy,
he stood so tall,
and forever, he will remember
his friends that he never...
will see no more.

Small Update

Just to let yall know,

I will be continuing my journey as a beginning actor, and I am going to audition for a part in "Dracula" on Wednesday at 1930. I will give ye's and thee's an update on that when I know more.

The start...

Okay this was whatever popped into my head...and it seems to be going somewhere.

Time flows and twists, turns, drops, and rises; like a river.
It surges with emotion, rages when weather turns foul, soothes the upset soul with sounds of water running over rock and stone. Such is life; it has its peaks and valleys, its storms and peace.
The sun rises and the sun sets. Over and over this cycle will continue to the end of time. Like the sun movements, life has its moments of light, and its moments of complete, utter darkness, and when all hope seems lost when you can no longer see your way, remember; it is always darkest before the dawn. Hope comes with the dawn, and new eagerness.
What has happened cannot be taken back, and what will, has yet to be seen. The sun sets, it is getting cold. Chilly breezes cut through garment, skin and soul alike. It howls, tears and moans, never ceasing. Yet in the mind, there is that spot of sun and warmth, you reach for it. However, as you reach the warmth, it disappears and all tumbles back in to utter darkness and bitter cold…yet if it be so dark that you cannot see…the stars may come out and be your guide.
“Presence is more than just being there.” That is what the wise men say. The companions leave, they pledge loyalty and support. Yet when the time comes to show their colors, they abandon the Hope and turn away. Left alone you freeze, and wonder, why? Why did they leave? Do they not see that it is worth it, worth the pain, worth the agony? Nay, they do not.
Hope flees, Doom comes over the horizon, and it stalks you, his prey. He mocks laughs and scorns. As he prepares to strike, Hope is there, battling the evil monstrosity. Hope turns to you and tells you to go away, far away, and to start anew. Hope gives you a chance to do right, begin the life that was meant to be. You flee the battling giants.

Faithful Friend...

Everyone knows you as a man of honor.
I am glad to know you, simply as a friend.
You've always taken time to be my brother,
and I will be standing by you in the end.

But I will never put you on a pedestal.
I thank the Lord for everything you do.
I'll be there to pray for you
and for the ones you love.
I believe that He will finish,
all He started in you.

I will be a open door that you can count on,
Anywhere you are, anywhere you've been.
I will be an honest heart you can depend on,
I will be a faithful friend.

I am one of many whose path has been made clearer
by the light you've carried faithfully
as a warrior and a child.
God has used you greatly, to encourage and inspire;
and you've remained a true friend all the while.
So I will never put you on a pedestal,
Cause we both know the glory is the Lord's.
and I'll be there to pray that He will keep you by His Grace,
and I'll always remind you to be seeking His face.

I will be a open door that you can count on,
Anywhere you are, anywhere you've been.
I will be an honest heart you can depend on,
I will be a faithful friend.

Should it ever come your time to mourn
I will weep with you, and every single time you win,
I'm celebrating too, I'll celebrate with you.

I will be a open door that you can count on,
Anywhere you are, anywhere you've been.
I will be an honest heart you can depend on,
I will be a faithful friend.


This song is dedicated to someone...who? That is for you loverly people to use you rknowledge of me and how I think and use the cluses I provide...The end.

A Promotion, and a Weekend of Military coolness...ness.

Before I begin,I will be starting random dedications one per post...but not every post will have a dedication.

Anyways...The random (Though it isn't REALLY random; I had this idea for a few days now...)dedication goes to........Hannah G. (Shock and AWE!!)

So because this post is dedicated to Hannah, I will include her name somewhere in this post.

Anyway, first I will start off with the drill weekend.

Well, I had my first RSP (Recruit Sustainment Program) Weekend. It was cold, wet, yet mucho funo. It took me and my fellow Privates about an Hour and a half to get to Ethan Allen Shooting Range. Once there, we got off,signed in, and chose a bunk and make our racks, (Military for beds). I was surprised how much I knew and could do. I actually knew what I was doing. After that, we were issued nifty PT uniforms...they are really cool...except for the shorts...they are a bit too short. But they are supposed to be like that. They are used for running. ANYWAY, After all of the Admin stuff, we were sorted into Companies, Then Platoons. I was 2nd Squad (Leader) 1st Platoon.

Then we were marched off to our briefing site. Along the way, we passed shooting ranges firing off Machine Guns, Grenade Launchers, all of that cool stuff. We got to our brifing site, and did MORE paperwork, and got a cool reference book. I like it muchly. Then we went over the many policies, such as Sexual Harassment, EEO (Equal Employment Opportunities) and such other dull stuff. THEN we got into the Good stuff.

We covered...

-The Ranks of the Army,
-Military Time
-Phonetic Alphabet
-Drill and Ceremony, aka Marching and such cool stuff
-The General Orders
-and the Soldier's Creed

After a LOVELY lunch of Veggie and Cheese MRE (Meals Ready to Eat, They are VERY nasty) We had a little competition between 1st and 2nd Platoon. We had to run up a hill that had a a 75%incline... so it was very steep. We had to run up the hill and stop and at the 5 stations posted along the way.

The First station was Knowledge of the Phonetic Alphabet. I had to spell "Headgear" Using the PA (Phonetic Alphabet)...and for an example I will spell Hannah's name using the PA

Hotel
Alpha
November
November
Alpha
Hotel

There it is...too easy? I will spell the month of February.

Foxtrot
Echo
Bravo
Romeo
Uniform
Alpha
Romeo
Yankee

Tada!

I passed that test, then I ran up to the next station, that was Military Time... I was asked the following times:

Midnight

11:30 PM

6:35 AM

7:12 PM

The times correspond as follows

Midnight = 0000

11:30 PM = 2330

06:35 AM = 0635

07:12 PM - 1912

Want a trick to know how to do it? If it is at or after 1 PM you add 12. Soo...say the time is...3 PM, So what is 12+3? 1500. That simple.

Tada! I passed that test as well...Then came the Ranks...I had to ID the following ranks.

Sergeant

Staff Sergeant

and Chief Warrant Officer (CW02)

I passed that.

Then came the General Orders...at the time, I did not know themn at all...so, instead, I did 10 push-ups.

My final test was Drill and Ceremony...I had to do the following

Left face
Right face
and a few About faces,

I aced that as well...

Then we did the PT test...I passed THAT as well.Then I went to sleep and dreamed goot things to come.

Anyway, that was the bulk of my first Drill Weekend.

Then today, I visited my recuiter, and he had good news for me, I was promoted to E-2 or PV2. That made me happy...SO I am tired now, and will post my MEPS visit soon...I hope.

I am a Proud Member of the US Armed Forces.

Going to MEPS...

I will be going to MEPS. Here is what I want to do. [All of the below is taken from the Army National Guard Website.]

21B - COMBAT ENGINEER
Description

Having a combination of combat ability and building skills is necessary when it comes to tackling rough terrain in combat situations. Combat Engineers primarily supervise, serve or assist as a member of a team. They provide much-needed combat engineering, such as building roads, constructing bridges or helping our forces to move across foreign land.

Some of your duties as a Combat Engineer may include:

* Constructing trails, roads and field fortifications such as shelters, bunkers and gun emplacements
* Assembling floating or prefabricated bridges
* Operating various light or heavy engineer vehicles
* Placing and detonating explosives
* Loading, unloading and moving supplies and equipment using planes, helicopters, trucks and amphibious vehicles
* Operating or serving as a crewmember on a combat engineer vehicle, armored vehicle launch bridge or an armored combat earthmover
* Preparing and installing firing systems for demolition and explosives
* Locating mines by visual means or by using a mine detector

Requirements

Combat Engineers must meet very demanding physical requirements. Agility, balance and the ability to perform strenuous physical activities over long periods of time are a necessity.
Training

Job training for Combat Engineers consists of nine weeks of Basic Training, where you'll learn basic Soldiering skills, and six weeks of Advanced Individual Training. Your on-the-job training primarily consists of manual work in a variety of construction projects that cover the following:
Skills

Helpful attributes include:

* Ability to use hand and power tools
* Interest in construction and working with your hands
* Ability to think and remain calm under stress
* Interest in Engineering
* Preference for working outdoors

Responsibilities

Advanced level Combat Engineers supervise and train other Soldiers. As an advanced Combat Engineer, you may be involved in:

* Directing and assisting in the operation of engineering wheeled or tracked vehicles
* Determining zero settings and firing the combat engineer vehicle weapon systems
* Directing the construction of fighting positions and wire entanglements
* Controlling fire team movements
* Placing explosives and clearing misfires
* Conducting reconnaissance operations

Civilian Related

Your training as a Combat Engineer will easily prepare you for practically any position that might interest you in the fields of construction, building inspection or building engineering. Civilian positions such as construction and building inspectors involve examining the construction, alteration or repair of buildings, highways and streets, water systems, bridges and other structures to ensure compliance with building codes and ordinances.*****************


Anyway, yeah, I will post about MEPS when I get back.

Stripped of Pride, yet still proud.

That one phrase in the song, "I'll Be There", really sounds like me at this point in time.

Find the song on Imeem on something like that. It is a beautiful song.

That is all for now...I am off to Chinese class...

Ni Hao

Who is this Recruit?...What was this Recruit thinking?

The Second week of School has come and gone...and these recruits are delving deeper into hell.

What was I thinking? Who am I to say that I could meet such high mental, emotional and physical stress? Before I even go there, who am I? I have been stripped of pride, possession, and even as I speak, memories slowly fade into the mists of time.

Laughter, is no more.
Talking like a civilized person, is no more.
Happiness, is no more.
Basic Rights...no more.


I am a shell of a man I was once before. All that is left is a broken, lonely, shred of a human. Who knows, maybe the damage is reverse able, maybe not. Only time will tell.

Who was I to think, even BEGIN to think I could do this?

There is a song I listened to when I was back for the short two weeks. It is about a love that had to be thrown away for a few years...but friendship still has some hold on it...

I don't remember the words now...but no matter how deep I go into misery, no matter, how far my memory fades, I will always remember the refrain...

"I'll be there, for me there's no sorrow worse to bear,
then our lives lived apart...I'll be there, for you."

That is like the one of the strands of hope I cling to. Getting emails, letters, and precious stuff like that is worth a million dollars to be.

That is all for now...who knows, if I will be back...

I just had too... XD

Yeah I saw this guy live...